Conflicts arise in our lives very often, we may be one of the parties involved or play the role of a mediator. Therefore, I am pretty sure all of us have a fair share of experience in this aspect. I have a knotty problem that is ongoing which I would like to share. Your opinions to the matter would be very much appreciated.
This matter involves my very close aunt and her husband, my uncle who had stopped working for about 2 years and had since been at home looking after the grandchildren. The family was contemplating to send the children to a private or government pre-school, all except my uncle agreed upon the government pre-school as the fees were more affordable. My uncle stressed that the money would be well spent for the better education. After much discussion, they went ahead with the government pre-school which left my uncle very unhappy and he let out his frustrations on my aunt, rattling that the family have lost their respect for him just because he is no longer contributing to the household. My aunt rebutted, saying that my uncle does not understand the financial situation they are in. From then on, my aunt and uncle would have arguments over the slightest reasons, my uncle would be very defensive and took my aunt’s harmless comments very personal. My uncle would always bring up the conflict they had with the pre-school decision.
My aunt on her part has kept communications to the minimum stating that this is the best solution. Would avoiding the issue even be a solution let alone being the best solution in this situation?
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Hello. I thinking there is something confusing in your description of the interpersonal conflict.You mentioned in this blog that "send the children (or grandchildren as you mentioned that your uncle is staying at home to look after the grandchildren) to a private or government pre-school". In addition, you said "My uncle stressed that the money would be well spent for the better education". I think it should be your aunt who said these words as you mentioned in the later part that she supported the decision to send the children to Govnerment school by commenting about the family financial status.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I would suggest giving your aunt and uncle time to "cool off" so that they can reflect on their actions and hopefuly bury the hatchet. If they still cannot come to a compromise, maybe you can try telling your uncle about the financial status of the family and show him that govenerment pre-school is equally effective as private school at pre-school education. In addition, you can also ask your aunt try not to argue with your uncle so as not avoid any unneccessary misunderstandings easily. I think your uncle get irritated easily probably because he feel that his opinions are not recognised by your aunt as he is not the one providing for the family. Thus, he probably need assurance for your aunt that his opinions are always being considered and valued. I hope my suggestions will be of some help in this conflict.
Hey Terry,
ReplyDeleteI think this is a classic case of misunderstanding due to misinterpretation. You see it was the uncle who wanted the children to have a private school education as can be seen by the phrase "all except my uncle agreed upon the government pre-school". This shows that everyone in the family was for the government pre-school except the uncle.
Furthermore, it is a well known fact that a private school education costs more than a government school one. Hence, the uncle stressing that the money would be "well spent for the better education". Hope this helps clear things up.
Hi Terence,
ReplyDeleteI think that such a situation is rather common among households – that elder couples tend to stop communicating with each other over things that we may perceive as ‘trivial’. In fact, my parents are also suffering from the same situation, not about grandchildren and education, but about house and new colour of the wall! However, I don’t think leaving them to ‘cool off’ is a good idea. They’re just going to stop talking to each other directly for the next few years when they should be enjoying the golden moments of their lives!
The only way I see in order to stop your uncle from constantly picking a fight with your aunty is to remove his perception that the family has lost respect for him. Family members used to follow his decisions when he was still at work as many of them still do not know how to make decisions in life. Now that your relatives/siblings have grown up (AND GOT MARRIED), it should be their decision to make! Of course, each family member should provide input and suggestions to give the couple some perspective before making their final decision. It is not that he is not respected anymore due to his retired status, but it is because the final decision is not for him to make. There may be other problems where he has to make the decisions such as funding you graduation trip, or there may be situations where decisions made by the right family member corresponds to his decision (but that doesn’t mean it was him who made that decision).
There are many ways in removing that perspective from your uncle’s head. Firstly, like what your aunt did, you could reiterate the reason to such a decision, and explain in a nicely manner to him that the final decision lies in the couple instead of him. In addition, it would be good to pay more attention to your uncle’s suggestions in future family matters. The person making the decision should also be the one calling for a family meeting, and be the one who leads the discussion. I guess this will give some sort of authority to the person that he or she is the one making the decision, not your uncle.
Hope it makes sense =)
This very "real" family affair makes for a compelling problem scenario. You describe it concisely and clearly (though there are a few sentence structure problems). Best of all, you have generated some worthwhile discussion. Now you have good advice to work with.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Terence!
Hey Terry,
ReplyDeleteI hope you understood what Dhinesh was saying because he was spot on in the interpretation of my message. With regards to this phrase "The family was contemplating to send the children to a private or government pre-school", I used the word children as it involved the parents and grandparents, would phrase it more clearly in future...
Hey Terry and Chee Kiang,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your valuable comments. Chee Kiang I just love the part when you say "they should be enjoying the golden moments of their lives". I totally agree with you that the cooling off thing is not a good idea, it is often an excuse to avoid the issue. This is probably how relationships among family members turn cold. They may be accustomed to the minimal interaction which is common among family members because we often take for granted our family members and do not see the urgency to mend the relationship. I agree too that removing the negative thoughts in my uncle's mind is necessary to solve this conflict. The family should be more sensitive to my uncle's feelings and attempt to raise his self-esteem which has been lost over the years. Giving more attention to his opinions is definitely a good way to build his self-esteem. When it comes to conflicts within the family, I feel that the solution need not be clearly fair to both parties, its a lot of compromise, after all they are the closest people to you so nothing else matters more than them. One phrase that I thought might be nice to share with you guys.. "You'd rather lose your pride to your loved ones than lose your loved ones to your pride."
Once again thanks a lot for your comments. Really appreciate it.
Terence
ReplyDeleteHi Terence, I really like the quote you shared with us. Indeed, how true it is! It had me thinking back on the times when I was absolutely irritated with my family members and blurted things that were demeaning or passing hurtful remarks insidiously, things that I regretted saying, just for the sake of my pride. I think all too often we let our emotions like pride and anger get the better of us, when all we needed was to step back and truly understand what the intentions of the other party is. This is especially so in the family context because it is supposedly a place of unpretentiousness with no malice or hidden agenda, and a place where we find comfort, understanding and rest. So, keeping quiet isn’t going to do the family good. After the “cooling off” period, which lasts no longer than a day (according to me:)), I think they should start communicating and reason things out.
To do so, the inherent problem of your uncle’s self-esteem has to be taken into consideration because it definitely plays a major role in the reconciliation process. Encouraging him to go out and mix around with his friends would be beneficial to him because we are social beings after all. Being cooped at home for too long will lead to repercussions like being detached from the real world and its happenings, being unable to relate to and interact with other people, forming untrue perceptions about ourselves and others and maybe even having warped logic and ideas.:) I’m not sure how old he is, but getting him involved in community work or less strenuous jobs could raise his self worth too.
Hi Terence,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Grace that socializing will help your uncle feel less "detached" from the environment and the surrounding. Since your uncle spent alot of time at home, maybe, inviting his friends to home and letting them talk, either reminiscing or debating, can help him feel more "connected" to the world.